This is an attempt at re-writing a blog post that I wrote and deleted last week Friday. Thanks to all the love everyone who read it gave me. A few of my friends told me that even though they laughed at it, I may have gone a bit too far…Bitches! They were actually worried that I could get in trouble for harassment and suggested I take it down…so I did, like a dumb ass! For shits & giggles, I reached out for some legal counsel and the lawyer told me that I was completely safe. So much for listening to friends huh?
It’s all good though! It’s just a chance for me to re-write it! If you enjoyed Friday’s blog post, you should enjoy this one as well as I’m going to be ridiculously creative in the way that I convey the story. If you didn’t read it, buckle up…I’m about to take you on a ride I hope I don’t confuse the hell outta you…lol!
Note: Don’t accept ANYTHING in this post at face value because I’m about to change most of the details. This should be fun…
This is a story about this famous chick I used to kick it with who lives next door to me. I know, I know…that’s a dating no-no, but I’m a baptism by fire kinda guy. At least my mom tells me that! I’m not too sure that I actually get how the words correlate with the meaning but (for those who’ve never heard that saying), it means that I only learn through experience.
I met this chick about 3 years ago when she moved into the neighborhood. After seeing her walking her dog a few days, I asked her out. By asked her out, I mean I asked “did you just move into the neighborhood?” Don’t even judge me, ’cause although she thought it was corny, it worked…
We started kicking it heavy soon after that. We regularly did movie night, dinner, even started sleeping over at each others’ cribs. I became the spooning king…a spooning god even!
So, because she was famous and she wanted to keep her private life private, we only kicked it indoors. After about a year though, we were hanging out one night and both felt like going out…so we did! I won’t lie – I thought we’d reached a milestone in the friendship and she might start wanting to go out more, because we had a ball. Boy, was I wrong! Apparently, she had reservations about being seen in public with me. I’m known for hanging out with my fair share of famous people and she didn’t want to be unfavorably compared to some of my more famous companions. Honestly, I respected that, and I just enjoyed her company…even if it was at the crib, spooning, in front of a TV.
Anyway, fast forward about 18 more months…
We continue hanging out pretty regularly indoors! One random night though (she’d just won some award, I think), she suggests we go out to celebrate. I’m always down to go out, so we party like it’s 1999…lol! This time, I didn’t assume we’d be making this a regular thing because (1) I’m not a fan of being shut down twice in a row (or otherwise actually) and (2) she had previously explained her dumbass reservations. Good thing, because she had no intention of doing that shit again anyway.
So last week, (3 years into the “friendship friend-surfboard”) this nut case tells me that she feels like I only hang out with her for her fame. I thought she was joking around, but she assured me that she wasn’t. The nerve of this muh fcuka! Needless to say, I was confused as all hell when she told me that. Why? Because over the last 3 years, we’ve been seen in public together all of TWICE. I’ve been out in public with the barista at Starbucks (whose name I don’t even know) more times than this clown. I’m more or less her secret…
I honestly wanna know how the fcuk she came up to this conclusion. When I said we used to stay at each others’ cribs, I was being nice. This chick used to come to my crib and eat & drink all my shit. But I hang out with her for her fame? I’m confused as hell! Does that shit even make sense to anyone?
So, in true Andre fashion, I put a status update up on facebook about it! We’re not “friends” on facebook, so she didn’t see the status update. Her cousin did though, and that jackass went and told her about it. She insisted I take it down for fear of a PR nightmare, but of course my dumb ass didn’t. So what did she do? In true mafia style, she got someone to break into my truck and steal my dj bag. Remember the Worst Week of my Life? I found out today, she paid off someone to do it…what a simple bitch!
So, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t officially a lil confused with my own damn story. If you’re completely clueless right now, I’ll give you some hints…
- The chick ain’t even remotely famous, so “fame” clearly isn’t what she thinks I hang out with her for
- My unimportant ass doesn’t hang out with any damn celebrities
- She doesn’t live in my neighborhood
- She didn’t really get anyone to break into my truck or I woulda
beat her assshook her really good!
Take that and run with it. Assume, what you want! I’m not going to confirm or deny anything because all I’m doing is pleading the fif…1, 2, 3, 4, FiF! Cue Dave Chapelle…