Ladies, ladies, ladies…
This may come across as extremely asshole-ish, but what the fcuk (some of) y’all be thinking when you put that shit on/in your head? *Most hood DC accent possible* What shit am I referring to? That horrible ass weave you got in right now, is what!
Before I offend you ladies who are actually fooling ninjas in these streets, this post clearly isn’t for you. I have a feeling that every woman that rocks a weave who read that just breathed a sigh of relief. Don’t let that breath out too soon though, because the likelihood of you actually fooling us is slim to none. Just saying!
Anyway, back to the post…
Who do you all think you’re fooling with that shit? Nah seriously!!! Who do you all think you’re fooling with that shit? lol! I gotta ask because you gotta be trying to fool someone! You ain’t fooling me ladies! Wanna know why? Because there are a few tell tale signs of women who rock weave. Here are my top five…
- New growth not matching with the texture of the weave
- Ethnic attributes not matching the texture of the weave
- Weave just not looking like human hair
- Awkward bump that some weaves create once attached
- The trademarked Farrah Fawcett hair flip
I’m probably coming across as the biggest asshole right now, but guess who doesn’t give a fcuk? This Guy! *Points thumbs to self*
Believe it or not, I’m actually writing this out of love and maybe a lil bit of misunderstanding. So, all my ignorant banter aside, put me in check on this topic by commenting. If you got a jacked up weave and you’re ashamed of publicly commenting you rather stay anonymous, you can email me your perspective.
Where do I start?
As sad as it is to say/write, weave is a part of black culture. Let’s strip away the filter and repeat that! As fcuk’d up as it is to say/write, putting someone else’s or a horse’s hair in/on a woman’s head is a part of black culture. I know! It sounds fcuk’d up when you put it that way, but that’s what so many of my beautiful black women are doing in these streets.
Before you start putting together all the excuses you plan on sending me, make sure they’re not included in the list of the four top ones I usually hear:
- I just put it in to have a fuller look
- I want longer hair and mine won’t grow longer
- I don’t have “good” hair
- I don’t have time to do my hair every morning
They’re all retarded ass excuses to me, but I put those in that order to convey the most understandable to the dumbest excuses. Lemme refute all four for you right quick…
- Your hair is full enough. Work with what God gave you.
- Your hair is long enough. Work with what God gave you.
- There’s no such thing as “good” hair. There’s healthy/unhealty, fine/coarse, etc. types of hair. If you’re referring to your hair being coarse, there are hairstyles and products on the market just for you.
- Stop being fcuk’n lazy and wake up a lil earlier to do your hair!
Maybe it’s just me, but when I hear these excuses I think to myself (1) this broad chick must really hate herself (2) your daddy didn’t tell you that you were beautiful when you were younger did he? and (3) white women must get a kick outta this shit!
If you haven’t given up on my outlook yet and you’re still reading this, lemme explain why I look at it as self hate. Follow me now – for any woman to spend waste the kinda money that it costs to keep a weave in her head in an attempt to fit into what society has deemed regular is totally mind boggling to me.
Self hate aside, you weave wearers are seriously depriving yourselves of what it means to be a person. The rules that come with weaves seem just as crazy as the reasons women get them:
- Don’t get the weave wet
- Don’t touch the weave
- Again, Flip the weave in the air like you’re Farrah Fawcett
Ok, so I know number 3 isn’t really a rule, but it should be! That’s a move I see EVERY black woman I’ve seen who rocks a weave do at some point. It’s like if they don’t do it they’ll get kicked outta the hair club or something. It’s quite amusing actually, ’cause only chicks who rock weaves typically do that shit…lol!
The thought of the first two rules are pure madness though. I say thought because I’ve never actually dealt with a chick who rocked a weave. Every time I tell someone that, they look at me in disbelief, but it’s true! If I’m dealing with you and we have to strategically shower together go in the water when we go to the beach is crazy! The clown that I am, I’ll wet that shit “on accident.” Hope you got an insurance policy bitch baby! Oh and even worse, the thought of piping a shawty being intimate with someone and not being able to grab & yank her hair run my fingers through her hair is preposterous! Too many limitations for me…
I think the most ironic part is that the women who can really pull it off, either (1) spend more than any of my readers spend on their weaves, (2) have pretty much the same texture as the weave they wear, so they really don’t need the shit, or (3) decide to keep it natural.
Anyway, I’m done for now…lol!
Someone please put me in my place! If you can send a well thought out and formatted rebuttal, I will post it! I’ll even consider saying I was wrong! Shit, I’ll even edit this entire post using the strike through tool. I can say that because I’m confident that NOBODY can do it. I like to be proven wrong though. Humor me…