Man, I’m getting older! Aside from the obvious fact that the clock keeps on ticking, I’m actually ready to settle down. I can’t believe it either! I’m pretty sure anyone who really knows me is shaking their head and saying “yeah right *insert “N”-word*… lol! But they can kiss my ass, because I’m telling the truth. Scouts’ Honor … mind you, I was never a Scout, but it sounded good!
Lately, I’ve been dabbling in the dating realm and can I say I’m truly not a fan? This shit got me contemplating going back to my whoring ways. Chicks in the streets are bullshitting! That’s right, I’m not gonna sugarcoat this! The number of chicks I know who complain that “dudes ain’t shit” and “it’s hard to find any good men,” I thought dating was gonna be mad easy! Boy was I wrong…
Gather ’round kids! I got a story to tell…
So, right before I went to Trinidad for Carnival, I bagged this bad lil shawty. By bagged I mean I gave her my number…lol! The night we met, I was working behind the T&T Clubhouse bar. Mind you, I’m not even remotely a bartender! I’m so bad that if more ingredients are involved than the drink title (i.e. Rum & Coke, Scotch & Ginger Ale, Vodka & Cranberry, etc.), I’m lost. The few people who asked for shit like Long Island Teas and Kamikazes were hit with “Do I look like a bartender, bitch?” The nerve…lol!
Anyway, before I go too far off topic…She and her cousin opened a tab,started off with beers, then moved to Malibu & Rum. Never heard of that combination, (seeing that Malibu is rum), but I made it anyway.
Fast forward to the end-ish of the night …
I close shawty’s tab off and bring her the receipt. As the wanna-be suave dude that I am, I tell her “don’t worry about the tip.” (Ok, so it was less about trying to be smooth and more that I’d already closed her tab and my non-bartending ass wasn’t about to go back and edit the transaction). But then she says to me, “then what do I give you?” As a retired man-whore, I could knock that question outta the park in my sleep, but my deaf ass heard, “so what you gonna do?” or something similar that thinking back to it, made absolutely no sense. Again, the shit made no sense to me so the quickest thing I could think of was “Take my number?” *Insert confused emoticon* I know, wack as hell! *hangs head in shame*. But guess what? She called the next day, so you can kiss my ass for doubting my game…lol!
So, we rapped on the phone for a lil bit. She told me her life story (even though I didn’t actually ask her about it). Transitioning into this dating thing is a work in progress! I was used to only being interested in what a chick was wearing, what time I could come over, and if she’s on birth control. So hearing about kids and husband and work is a culture shock…lol! Anyway, we continued the conversation via text through the week.
Fast forward to getting back from Trinidad Carnival …
So I text her to see how’s she’s doing and apparently in the 2 weeks that I was in Trinidad, her life fell to pieces. Between her soon-to-be ex, kids, work, and home, this chick had a lot going on. Like a dumb ass, I kept the conversation going though…smh! Why? I dunno…maybe because men make dumb decisions when it comes to the bearers of the vaj?
That Friday, we kick it! I asked what time we were gonna link up and she said 8, so I started planning. It was warm that day, so I figured we could take advantage of that. The problem was I didn’t realize I was dealing with someone who had NO sense of time.
We didn’t end up linking up ’til closer to 10. So my plans of putt-putt golf, dinner, and a possible movie started off all kinds of fcuked up. Not quite sure how 8 turned into 10 but I know she’s got two kids so I tried to keep it in perspective! Anyone who knows me though knows I can’t take more than 1 friend who can’t tell time and one of my boys filled that slot a long time ago (and I don’t think he’s giving it up anytime soon). Anyway, by that time, putt-putt was clearly closed. So movie it was. I saw Lincoln Lawyer and Lincoln Lawyer saw that bitch her! Can you believe this muh fcuka fell asleep in the damn movie?
The movie was so awesome that it made me hungry…lol! The only thing open at this time was Dave & Busters so that’s where I was eating (Note: I didn’t say we, because I left her ass sleeping in the theater…lol! Nah, I’m lying, but thinking back I should have). So we order food and start talking. This chick pretty much had nothing interesting to contribute to the conversation. Luckily, I was still entertained because Friday is apparently “Hood Night” at the D&B in Arundel Mills. I coulda sworn I was in Baltimore City. D&B’s service happened to be just as hood, because they got my damn order wrong 3 times. I didn’t realize “no blue cheese” was hard for their “chefs.” I finished eating, and called it a night.
I’m known for giving people like 20 more chances than they should get. So, in true Andre fashion, I decide to kick it with her again.
We plan on kicking it on a Saturday and I figure I’ve learned my lesson trying to plan shit, so this time I don’t even bother. I even take it a step further and don’t propose a time. That was completely out of character and it worked against me: pretty much all of Saturday rolls by and I don’t hear from this chick. Around 7 p.m., I text her to ask what time we’re linking up.
She calls me back and you wanna know what this bama says to me? “Oh, I couldn’t get my mother to watch the kids, so I’m staying in.” Don’t get it twisted, I have a lil one, so I know they come first. That said, the heifer coulda had the decency to call/text to let me know. Got me waiting around like an orphan and shit…smh!
Anyway, she thoroughly apologizes and says that she really wants to see me the next day. I’m truly a sucker, because that’s really all it took. What can I say? Who doesn’t like their ego stroked a lil? I convinced myself that I was being understanding about her situation and decided to give it another shot…
It’s Sunday and I’m giving this chick another chance to prove me wrong about how much of a waste of time dating is. This time, I text her early (around noon)…no reply! I let a few hours pass then call her (around 4 p.m.)…no answer! She does call me back about 5 mins later though, but nobody’s on the phone. So, I call her back…again, no answer. At this time I’m assuming she butt dialled me. She’s now pushing it because it’s after 6 p.m. and I haven’t heard from her. So, being the respectful guy that I am, I send her a text saying “Is it cool to assume that we’re not hooking up today?” Of course, no reply!
At this point, I’m like fcuk this, I’m going out. So I decide I’m gonna take myself on a date to see a 7:30 play. I hop in the shower, get dressed, and head down to the theatre. My cheap ass refused to pay for parking and took too long to find a spot and missed seating, so I didn’t actually get in. A self-proclaimed time nazi and I get to the theatre 15 mins late. That’s what the colored folks do…smh!
So, I’m walking back to my truck to decide what my plans are and lookie there, I get a text from the chick. Instead of adding narration, I’ll just share the volleying of texts as best as I can recall…
- Her: No, I wanna see you
- Me: Oh, she’s alive. lol
- Her: Is it too late?
- Her: I was at build a bear with my daughter and the reception was bad
- Me: Sounds fun
- Her: Is it too late for me to see you?
- Me: Yeah! After I didn’t hear from you, I decided to go out. Didn’t wanna let the whole weekend be uneventful
- Me: I understand your situation, but it seems like you have a bit too much on your plate to entertain anything with me. You can hit me up if you want to, but trying to hang out doesn’t seem feasible to me.
- Her: What do you mean?
- Her: Oh, I see how it is. Clearly you’ve never dated someone with kids. I was busy with my daughter!
- Me: It has nothing to do with your kids. I got 1 of my own, so I get it. That said, I left today & yesterday wide open to hook up with you, and I still haven’t. Not trying to make a habit of that.
- Her: *crickets*
I really can’t remember the rest of the conversation because I pretty much tuned her ass out.
She realized she fcuked up, because now she’s hitting me up non-stop. I thought she would’ve realized that I lost interest from my one word answers…I was wrong! I actually started feeling a lil bad for her, because I knew she was trying hard, but she didn’t know what to do. Like she would call me and have NOTHING to say. I already don’t like talking on the phone. I dunno what possessed her to call me and subject me to the infamous dead silence, but it didn’t help her cause at all. Long story short, she’s still trying and getting nowhere with it.
I’ve completely lost where I was going with this story…