Bitch Bye!!!

Last week, after one of my home girls read Strike 3! You’re Out!!!, she immediately hit me up to (1) laugh at my “misfortune” and (2) give me a dating pointer.  Gotta love my friends right?

So, after she found it to dissect the post and laugh at the parts she thought were funny again, she shared her dating pointer.  She said she had gone through similar shit I was going through years back, and once she started using this pointer her dating game drastically improved.

By now you’re probably saying to yourself “What the fcuk is the pointer?”

Before I start losing readers…

She said “You need to figure out what your five non-negotiables are, write them down, and live by them.”  If you got the point of that shit already, kiss my ass!  If you’re as lost as I was and need the same explanation she had to give me…I’m in good company.  What she meant was that on the dating prowl it’s necessary to: (1) figure out five characteristics your potential  dates HAVE to encompass, (2) make sure they encompass those characteristics, and (3) if they don’t, drop them immediately.

Typically, I don’t take dating advice from people who aren’t in relationships!  I shouldn’t even have to explain why…lol!  But, in this instance I ate that shit up.  For once, I wasn’t going to be hard-headed, because I immediately saw the value in her advice.

So, in an attempt to get the ball rolling on this exercise, I asked what her five were (nothing better than having an example to mirror!) and she said:

  1. He must be funny
  2. He must appreciate my love for music
  3. We must have sexual chemistry
  4. I must feel protected/safe (i.e. taller than me)

Something look a little off to you?  That’s right, her dumb ass could only remember four of her five…lol!  How sad is that?  The number doesn’t really matter though.  It’s all about the concept.  So, I’ll stop teasing, because she’s more than likely reading this post.

It honestly took me a while to get mine going because I’m superficial!  That’s right, I said it!  My initial list went something like…

  1. She must be cute
  2. She must buy me Haribo gummy bears
  3. She has to rub my head and back whenever I ask tell her ass to
  4. She must give up the lady parts on demand
  5. She must stroke my ego on a regular basis.  Pun not intended, but it can be if she wants.

Lemme stop being an ass.  Those are actually my 13-17…lol!

Seriously though, it took me a little while to put my list together.  Why?  Because, I’m King “accept a bitch chick for who she is and work with her flaws even if they annoy the fcuk outta me.”  As I get older though, I’m realizing that shit is plain ole dumb!  Why the fcuk would I stick around someone who’s not family, who annoys me?  That makes absolutely no kinda sense.

After deep thought, I came up with my five 12!  That’s right, I’ve lived a life of accepting a ton of bullshit from women, so I’m entitled to more than five…

  1. She must live within 30 driving minutes of where I live
  2. She must respect my time
  3. She must not be a nag
  4. She must not be selfish
  5. She must have a sense of humor
  6. She must be an ambitious go-getter
  7. She must be passionate about something
  8. She must be open-minded
  9. She must know how to challenge my views preferably without discouraging me
  10. She must be able to contribute some type of opinion to random conversations
  11. She must know how to act in multiple settings (i.e. corporate, casual, etc.)
  12. She must have a fashion sense

She must live within 30 driving minutes of where I live
I’ve tried long distance and I absolutely HATE it!  I will NEVER do that shit again.  I’m a spontaneous guy.  You might even call it random.  Point is, if I have to plan to see my chick, my spontaneity withers and dies and at that point, I’m not me anymore.  So if a chick is outside of that 30 minute radius (which is already a stretch for me), bitch bye (BB)!

She must respect my time
There’s nothing more valuable to me than my time.  I can waste my time all day, but the instant someone else wastes it, I have a problem.  I know, sounds selfish, but, guess who doesn’t give a fcuk?  This guy! *Points thumbs to self*  If a chick can’t respect my time, she gets a big fat BB! Don’t believe me, read Strike 3! You’re Out!!!

She must not be a nag
Just about every chick I’ve seriously dated has been a nag and I’m not talking about nagging about relevant shit.  I’m talking about nagging about EVERYTHING!  If a chick doesn’t know how to pick her battles, but prefers to bitch and moan about everything, BB!

She must not be selfish
Everyone is entitled to being selfish.  Shit, I too have my selfish moments (like with my time), but there are instances when you have to put other people first.  Everything ain’t about you all the time!  If a chick can’t check that mindset at the door, then BB!

She must have a sense of humor
I love to joke around.  I joke around too much if you ask my mother.  I have a quirky habit of finding humor in just about everything.  If she can’t get down with that, there’s a problem.  If she can’t laugh at herself, (‘cause God knows I will), then BB!

She must be an ambitious go-getter
I meet my fair share of women on a regular basis.  And I’m sorry to say that a lot of them lack ambition.  Maybe I need to diversify where I’m meeting these ratchets, because I’m losing a lot of faith in you ladies.  This may just be my opinion, but nobody should ever be completely satisfied with where they are in life – there’s always room for improvement.  Being okay with your entry level position and not trying to figure out how to become upwardly mobile is totally unacceptable!  So you know what I have to say about that – BB!

She must be passionate about something
Life is too short to not have a passion for something.  And I mean anything.  It can be blogging, knitting, reading, etc.  Shit, I don’t encourage it, but it can even be work!  If a chick isn’t passionate about shit, not even work, AND she’s an unambitious no-getter, she gets a double dose of BB!

She must be open-minded
There’s nothing worse than a close-minded broad.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand everyone doesn’t have the opportunity to experience everything.  What I’m referring to is when something outside of the norm is presented to a chick and she instantly shuts it down or reacts in poor taste.  Not saying a chick has to embrace every new thing she comes across, but not even being open to the experience is quite unattractive. So yeah…BB!

She must know how to challenge my views preferably without discouraging me
There’s nothing sexier than a woman with a strong, well-developed opinion about something.  On the flip-side, there’s nothing worse than a woman (or man for that matter) who is so aggressively opinionated about something that they can make the dialogue/situation uncomfortable for people who don’t share that opinion.  Like all men, I have an ego!  I know!  It’s tough to believe, but it’s true…lol!  If you can’t share your opinion without bruising that ego, then BB!

She must be able to contribute some type of opinion to random conversations
I can’t stand a yes (wo)man!  Yeah, it’s great if people actually agree with me, but doing so just to impress me is counterproductive.  On the flip-side, disagreeing with EVERYTHING ‘just because’ is also counterproductive, and downright annoying.  Both of those examples are extremes!  How about a happy medium?  Think about the topic at hand.  Form an opinion.  And share it.  It’s not that hard to say I agree or disagree that waking up at 3 a.m. to watch the Royal Wedding is one of the biggest wastes of time known to man because you’d rather be showing me your lady parts.  Point is, if you’re going to be basic and not have anything to contribute to the conversation, BB!

She must know how to act in multiple settings (i.e. corporate, casual, etc.)
I interact within a lot of different social circles.  What can I say?  Maybe I’m confused…lol!  Seriously though, I go to various types of events all the time.  From corporate events to hanging with the fellas after a soccer game, I need my bitch whoever I’m seeing to know how to act in public.  That statement has two layers.  The first includes the broad having proper etiquette and knowing how to interact with people.  Asking why there are so many forks and knives on the table is unacceptable.  The second involves saving face.  There have been a few times that I got into it with a chick while we were in public.  Whereas I’m the type to hold it in until we get to the car so I can Chris Brown the bitch we can talk.  These birds clearly liked making a scene for everyone to potentially see.  I know how to embarrass myself on my own.  I don’t need help, so BB!

She must have a fashion sense
I’ll be the first to admit that as much as I may say I’m into fashion, I really just know how to take certain (usually classic) styles I see and run with them.  I don’t keep up with trends or keep a true eye on the industry.  That said, I know what looks good and what doesn’t.  If I have to worry about what you may wear or worse yet if I have to question if you even own something in your closet you can wear to a function I invite you to, then Houston we’ve got a problem!  Let’s all say it together for the tacky broad…Bitch Bye!

This exercise has made me realize just how picky I really am when it comes to dating women seriously.  I think at this point in my life, I have the right to be selective though.  Not only do I deserve the best fit for me, I’m getting older and I’m finally getting out of my “girls have cooties” mindset.  I’m at a point where I can actually see myself in more than a 3:30-4:30 a.m. romance.  Crazy right?  I’m muh fcuk’n growing up bitches people!

On second thought, I’m starting to have second thoughts about this.  Cue my favorite scene in Little Rascals…

About The Warped Reality

I'm a normal guy (in my and I enjoy my daily interactions with the weirdos out there!
This entry was posted in Strong Enough For Her, But Written For Him, Strong Enough For Him, But Written For Her. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Bitch Bye!!!

  1. intensity9 says:

    re-wording #1,
    She must be geographically desirable.

  2. intensity9 says:

    Oh, you didn’t say anything about money. Communications and money are key in a relationship.
    My top five (cuz I understood what she was talking about w/out the explanation).

    1. Must have income comin’ in. (Don’t do broke)
    2. Independent (I don’t do men living in the basement of their mama’s house – Nor can he come live in my house).
    3. Must be geographically desirable.
    4. Must have reliable transportation. (Bicycles don’t count – Motorcycles are a+)
    5. Must be easy on the eyes.
    6. Must be secure in his manhood.
    There are others but I’m negotiable on those.

  3. Ayana says:

    Lmao! Funny and good Dre….I think ppl
    Don’t think about characteristics but the material. Material can ALWAYS change (car, home, money) qualities & characteristics are what ppl shld base their list on. If not, then thats when things get misconstrued and ppl are still stuck searching. Your list is really good mr. 12 (the second one, not the first. Lol)

  4. Jenny says:

    Dre….funny as hell. I am so with u. I was just saying today that just as I develop a rubric when I assign work to my students, I should develop a rubric for men who wants to date me. Same concept I guess. Love it!!!!! You know what, I’m stealing that BB phrase 🙂

  5. Cara Douglas says:

    LOL Loved it! … And it has inspired me to create my own friggin list, will be linking to yours soon!

  6. Pingback: The List! « 242indc

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  8. kawaiinai says:

    Very funny!
    Yes. My non-negotiable list saves me a lot of aggravation. Helps me avoid bug-a-boos (Destiny’s Child song ref.).

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