The Day I Lost My Virginity

For all you people pervs who opened this and expected a play by play of the best 19.5 seconds of my life, on that class trip, when I got to test drive my first set of lady parts…

You’re going to be disappointed…Sorry!

I’m actually referring to the Caribbean Wine Festival I went to this weekend.  I can finally say I’ve been to one.  Every year, I’m booked up DJ’n for graduation parties and cookouts whenever it’s going on, so I always have to live vicariously through facebook galleries.  This year, I muh fcuk’n made it!

Where do I begin?  How about the beginning…

Last week (Wednesday maybe) I realized that my long weekend was completely wide open.  So, I started trying to figure out what I was going to do.  I was literally clueless because my most recent life consists of work, working out, the occasional movie, and home.  That’s right, tackling box didn’t make the list.  I’m becoming kinda lame…lol!  Anyway, between Twitter and Facebook, after reading the comments about Wine Fest, it became overwhelmingly obvious that I was going too.  So, I hit up my home girl and pretty much finagled my (and my sister’s) way into riding with her and her crew.

The first clue that this was going to be a blog worthy experience was when she told me that I needed to be ready for 10 a.m.  Now, don’t get me wrong – I wake up at 6:30 every morning, but not to drink.  My initial thought was something along the lines of “Ummmmm…I know I have some functioning alcoholic tendencies and all, but I don’t drink before noon unless I’m in another country.”  What she forgot to tell me was that this shit was in another country.  But we’ll get to that in a minute.

The night before, I asked her what I needed to bring.  Who told me to ask her that shit?  She goes “bring some chicken from KFC or Popeyes.”  That completely threw me off, but I figured it was some initiation type thing, so I said “ok” and kept it moving.  Somehow, biscuits a cooler, and ice got added to what I should bring.  At this point, I began to get a lil worried because this whole ordeal started sounding a lil serious.  I thought Wine Fest was a show up, drink wine, and listen to music kinda thing.  Oh, was I wrong!

Fast forwarding to the morning of…

We got to my home girl’s house, did some last minute car packing, and we were off.  I’ve accepted that I’m getting old because the majority of the car ride we talked about work.  Seriously, I never thought I’d be that guy.  *Hangs head in shame*

Anyway, I digress…

Maybe 45 minutes into the drive, the conversation drastically changed when the homie said “So here’s the game plan…”  Note: my plan was to pay my admission, drink a ton of wine, possibly get drunk, flirt with random women, and so on.  Anyway, the plan consisted of finding a spot to set up two tents, two tables, coolers, etc.  So first I thought to myself, “why do we need a tent?” quickly followed by “this sounds more like manual labor than fun to me!”  But, I listened intently and made a mental note of the to do’s.

We got to the venue, unloaded the car, and head to the entrance.  We all paid admission, got our wine glass, and started scouting where we could set up the tents.  During the scouting period is when I realized that we were nobodies compared to some of the set ups already there.  I even saw what appeared to be tents with a/c.  Can we say “it’s never that serious?”  lol!

After about 10 minutes, we found a spot and got to work.  The first tent was easy!  It was one of those instant contraptions that once you pulled it out of its carrying case, it was up in the air within seconds.  We weren’t so lucky with the second one.  It was one of those old school joints that every piece had a number and you need the directions to put it together.  I guess the owners didn’t get the memo about keeping directions because they were nowhere to be found.  So, they instructed us how to do it by memory.  Let’s just say between about six people it took almost 20 minutes to put up this tent.  I honestly felt like I accomplished something great after that.

Anyway, after we finished pitching the tent it was time to go get wine.  On the way up the hill where they were selling bottles, we heard a few announcements about parents losing their children.  The emcee was going IN on those parents.  So much, that he was getting a round of applause from all the parents who either left their kids at home or had them on a leash.  I know in “Is That A Pet Or A Child” I frowned upon baby leashes, but this was one event that I’d give a parent a pass if they found it necessary to bring their kids to.

Back to the wine…

We got to the HUGE ass tent with what seemed to be millions of bottles of wine for sale.  There were 12 selections in total, and they were all under $15.  I’m not a wine drinker, but to me those sounded like crackhead prices.  My usual double shot of Patron is more than that in a club.  So what did my ethnic ass do?  I bought seven bottles.  That’s right, I even got a box to carry the shit in.  For all the people who think I’m an alcoholic, at least I’m functioning…lol!  Seriously though, (1) it wasn’t all for me and (2) I actually took some home.

Anyway, we got back to our set up and all of a sudden having to bring that KFC made all the sense in the world.  Why?  Because somehow it was after 1 p.m. and I was hungry as shit!

Mad people stopped by our set up and hung out.  It was honestly like we had house guests.  We made sure people ate, had their glasses full of wine, etc.  It was honestly a great time!

Then, it was time to go!  Or so I thought!  We broke down the tents, packed up all of our stuff and the after party started.  It seemed like just about everyone left or was leaving, but our crew and our “house guests.”  I walked away for about 30 minutes and in that time I got run down by this drunk country bumpkin, saw a very visible truck get hit by another vehicle, drank two bottles of water, and a heap of other random shit.  I came back and the after party was still going strong.

About 30 more minutes passed and it began to get dark.  So, it was really time to head out.  We got in the cars and started heading out.  The driver had to briefly stop and talk to someone and that’s when the real adventure started.  We rode up in one of those fancy push to start vehicles where you don’t have to actually stick a key in the ignition.  Pretty cool right?  I would’ve said yes until it was time to leave.  Why?  Because if the key isn’t in the car, it won’t start and somehow it fell out of the car.

All I gotta say is “the man upstairs” must’ve felt bad for us, because somehow in the dark I found the key.  I’m still actually kinda amazed at that shit!

If you’ve read this far, you’re probably thinking that the story is over.  And you my friend, are wrong!  We started our trek back home, and about 15 minutes in I got a call saying my boys car got stuck in a ditch back at the venue.  Not much to say about that because sometime between us stopping at a gas station, talking to a tow truck, and heading back, the owner of the farm was able to pull his car out.

All in all, the 2011 Caribbean Wine Festival was a fcuk’n adventure!  It was full of excitement and I’m ready for next year.  I may have to drive and walk with my own tent though.  Just saying…lol!

About The Warped Reality

I'm a normal guy (in my and I enjoy my daily interactions with the weirdos out there!
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2 Responses to The Day I Lost My Virginity

  1. Kiki says:

    Simply hilarious is right, maybe I should try next year, I thought the Wine festival was about well aged cheese and fine wine…LOL…Sounded like an adventure glad you had fun.

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