The Insurance Policy!

I was listening to the Kane Show this morning and he inspired me to write this short blog post.

So the topic of discussion when I was listening was this thing Kane refers to as “Closure Calls.”  Pretty much, people call into the show and ask Kane to help them find out why the person they thought they were happily dating fell off the side of the earth and stop returning calls/texts.  The concept (with regard to the caller) is actually kinda retarded in my opinion, but the shit is mad funny and I enjoy listening to it.

Anyway, in this particular scenario this dude called into the show.  He was dating this chick for a few months I believe.  They were apparently kicking it hard.  So hard that at least two months ago, they planned a beach trip for this month.  Now, some time in between then and now, she up and stopped returning his calls with no notice.  In short, this weak ass ninja wanted to still go to the beach with this broad even though they hadn’t been in contact for a month.  I’m pretty sure Ray Charles could’ve seen that the bish had moved on to the next one.

So, Kane got involved and was able to get the chick to admit why she blocked that ninja’s number.  Apparently, after getting the cookies at her place one night, he took the condom(s) out of the garbage, took them home and disposed of them himself.  She thought that shit was weird as fcuk and didn’t want anything else to do with him.  Kinda harsh, but hey!  Maybe that was in her list of non-negotiables and she forgot to tell that bama “Bitch Bye!!!

His argument was that in the past, some incident transpired where a chick tried to take his used condom, probably a turkey baster, and some tongs and tried to impregnate herself.

I personally am on the fence with this one, but before I get to why, I thought that some of the shit that callers brought to Kane were classic.  My top three were:

  1. Semen doesn’t stay alive long in condoms!  I swear I wanted to call in when that dumb bish said that shit.  If labs can collect and preserve semen for sperm banks (for YEARS), then that shit can live long enough for a psycho broad to try to play Easy Bake Oven with some condom spit & her ovaries.
  2. Why was she digging in the trash to be able to figure out that he took the condom(s)?  That’s actually a pretty damn good point.  Maybe her scheming ass was trying to trap that ninja.
  3. Why didn’t he just flush them down the toilet?  Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t they (I don’t know who “they” actually are) say you’re not supposed to dispose condoms in toilets?

Anyway, I digress…

I’ll be honest, I’ve discreetly done what homeboy did in some capacity.  For about a year, I was so paranoid about knocking bishes up, that I had a ritual.

  • Bust a nut in condom
  • Tie knot in condom
  • Wrap condom in toilet paper
  • Place wrapped condom in pocket
  • Leave chick’s crib
  • Dispose of condom in storm drain or out the car window on the highway trash receptacle

So, I can definitely understand where dude’s coming from.  That said, when you really think about it, he shouldn’t be giving any chicks the business if he’s worried they may try to trap him.  The day I woke up and realized that I was just being paranoid and that I trusted the skallywags I was sleeping with was the day I stopped at step two in my condom disposal process.  I dunno why, but I still knot them shits.  Don’t Judge Me! *Points to reader*

What are your thoughts on this shit?

About The Warped Reality

I'm a normal guy (in my and I enjoy my daily interactions with the weirdos out there!
This entry was posted in Simply Hilarious, Strong Enough For Her, But Written For Him, Strong Enough For Him, But Written For Her. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to The Insurance Policy!

  1. Nique says:

    I totally agree bro! I think both of them were a little crazy…deranged lol Its sad the lack of knowledge of the human sexuality and sex that some people out here today have…this is why so many people are out here acting like this now…and trust if the broad really wanted sperm there are plenty of dumb dudes that dont strap up for her to have her pick lol

  2. Video Girl says:

    Actually ejaculated sperm only lives for a very short time (minutes) outside the body. Inside the womb it can live up to 5 days, but 1 – 2 days are the average. Sperm contains excellent DNA. Even after the cells die. Sperm is very high in protein she may have wanted it for a facial mask and he denied her a beauty treatment. (hahaha)

    I don’t leave exposed condoms in the trash. I will wrap them up in tissue and dispose of them in the outside trash can because no one needs to see them and question my actions…it’s my little secret. Shhhhh

    • Claire says:

      I agree. Homegirl was probably going to ‘properly’ dispose of the condom/s when she realized that Psycho Bill took them home with him. (I wouldn’t call his ass back either :-)) In his defense, however, if he had a scare in the past, I understand his paranoia and why he’d want to take his boys when he left. (In the right condom/environ. those bad boys live longer than a few minutes)
      As for your “ritual”…….lol……admirable.

  3. Bella says:

    Lmaaao at your ritual. I mean its kinda weird but I can’t really blame him (or you, lol). Some females are evil, not me. Just others lol. But the chick could have just asked him. She was mad she couldn’t pull out the turkey baster!!

  4. Cara Douglas says:

    LMAO AT YOUR RITUAL … WTF … Classic – You have been judged!

  5. Shawn says:

    Im laughing so hard, wow! I was actually looking for a picture of Kane and his wife when I came across this article, I love it!!!! I’m a big fan of the show, and to read this was total enjoyment. Well, I must say, I love your writing skills, and I love how you portray your thoughts. As for the situation, she never wanted to deal with the guy in a long-term situation, anyway. Him taking the condom from her trash receptical, was just an excuse. Because really, I could care less if you took “trash” from (my) the trash. That’s so minute. I mean let’s be real, why not just question him when she noticed it. Like, “hey, why would you remove the condom from the trash? I find that odd”. You know? As for her looking in the trash after he left, I don’t think she was being inspector gadget. It’s just natural to look in the trash when you walk by and/or when you’re taking it out, and you’d definitely notice something like that missing, that was recently on top. As for the sperm should be dead in a condom, well, that depends on the condom. Today, most condoms “do” have spermicide inside of them, and the job of spermicide, is to kill sperm. However, it doesn’t mean that all of the sperm will touch all over the inside of the condom. In my opinion, there would definitely still be a few LIVE ones out of the thousands or even millions killed, you know? Well, that’s my 3 cents. Hope it’s worth something… =]

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