Attention: I’m going to be short and to the point today because I’m anxious to get to the feedback, which I think is going to be the driving force behind this post. Anyway…
These days I’m noticing more and more that guys are indulging in some highly suspect behavior. And by suspect, I mean gay…GAY GAY GAY! Lemme clear something up one time: I’m not homophobic in the slightest. I don’t have any gay friends (at least none that I know of), but I do have gay counterparts who I interact with and they’re cool people. As long as they follow my three rules, we can kick it:
- I’m 100% vaginatarian, carpet muncher, etc., so don’t make ANY passes at me
- Remember you are a guy. Just because you like man meat doesn’t mean you have to act like a bish. Yes, you might be “fierce,” but leave the female behavior to the people born with snatches.
- Expect me to make harmless, yet inappropriate jokes about your sexual orientation. I find humor in just about everything and make jokes about heterosexual people too…and idiots…and ugly people (you get the point).
Anyway, I digress!
The reason for this post is to share a few simple suggestions with my fellow devourers of snatch! Cut out the following, fellas, and you can reclaim your masculinity with some pride…
Remove “K” and “Hehe” from your digital vocabulary
Cease and desist from texting, messaging, typing or otherwise digitally communicating those two phrases immediately…ESPECIALLY when messaging another male! Replying “K” and “Hehe” is just plain ole gay! It’s easy to fall into texting trends when trying to keep up with all the new shorthand, but that don’t make the shit right. The best way to weed out the gay shit is to say it out loud and monitor exactly how you sound while saying it. Don’t believe me, ask a female! If she says it’s not gay, she’s secretly trying to set you up!
No More “No Homo”
Let’s clear this shit up right now! Saying “No Homo” doesn’t make what you’re about to or have just said any less gay than it really is. If anything, it enhances the gayness times 10. Nignags are using that shit like it’s a fcuk’n hall pass. If what you’re saying is so gay that you can’t say it without the “No Homo” disclaimer then you shouldn’t be saying that shit to begin with…OR put your non-existent extensive vocabulary to use and say it differently.
Stop Singing Songs That Were Made For Bishes
It doesn’t matter how dope a record is, it’s fcuk’n gay to belt out the lyrics (ESPECIALLY in public) to a female anthem or a record about bish shit. Listen to the words the artist is singing before reciting them. My boy and I joke around about that shit in clubs all the time. One night we lost count when keeping track of the amount of times we heard nignags singing the female parts of songs.
Bish Rides Are For Bishes
This particular one is actually two-fold! Both are equally gay and if a dude is guilty of both, then he’s a lost fcuk’n cause…
- Stop driving your broad’s whip if it’s noticeably evident that it’s hers. I’m referring to shit like if she has girly vanity plates, or a sorority license plate frame. That shit fcuks with dudes like me who are interested in seeing what the AKA driving in front of us looks like. It’s a rude awakening when we drive up and see a nignag bumping to Rick Ross.
- Say no to most compact cars. The VW Beetle tops that list, followed by Mini Coopers, Smart Cars, and Toyota Priuses. Just in case you didn’t know, Beetles come with a flower in the cup holder for a reason …and removing it doesn’t automatically turn it into a man’s car. Do your part to save the environment by carpooling in a real car or letting Metro open doors!
Pocket Poodles Are For Pusses
There’s nothing gayer than seeing a 200 lb juice head walking a Shih Tzu. Return the toy dog and get a real one. Dogs generally fall into three size categories: small, medium, large, and just like when buying condoms clothes, there are certain sizes a guy shouldn’t ever consider. The smallest dog a grown man should even look at is in the medium category. To the fellas who are culprits of this social crime and think “Mad bishes talk to me when I’m walking my dog” – don’t mistake that shit for your attention. It’s the dog’s. You just happen to be walking it.
Note: Cats are just as gay as pocket poodles. That is all!
Stop Wearing Skinny Jeans
I wasn’t even going to add this to the list because it’s more about fashion trends and less about personal characteristics. I changed my mind though, because I have a caveat to add: Skinny jeans are already extremely suspect to begin with (just ask your balls). If they’re tighter than your hoe’s chick’s then we really have a problem.
Getting Ready Is For Girls
First off, let’s omit the term “getting ready” from our male vocabulary. We men throw on stuff. Okay, so that’s just taking it to the extreme…but seriously, under NO circumstances is a dude supposed to take longer than 45 minutes to get ready and even that’s stretching it! You could be in a cast, using a pair of crutches and wearing an eye patch and it still should’t take you more than 10-15 minutes to shower, 10-15 minutes to choose and iron a kit, and 5-10 minutes to put that shit on. Taking any longer is just…say it with me…”GAY.” Leave the exfoliating face masks, scented lotions, and nail polishing to the ladies…otherwise you might as well start douching too.
I asked for people’s input on BBM, Facebook, and Twitter, but finished the post before I got a chance to look at them. I left out the ones that were already in my post, but included the top 10 examples sent to me below. Some, I totally agree with and others I never thought of until today…
- Clear nail polish after a manicure/pedicure
- Belly rings
- Belly tattoos
- Dance battles
- Colored contacts
- Long finger nails
- Cartilage piercing
- Back door sex
- Hair coloring
- Drinking Nuvo