This isn’t going to be one of those posts where I say it’ll be short and end up with a 1500-2000 word diatribe (That’s right – S.A.T. word bishes) so let’s get straight to the point:
I typically don’t give a shit what fellow employees do in the office. They can tweet, comment on people’s facebook statuses, or even blog all day like I do…lol! As long as what they’re doing doesn’t affect me, I could really care less about it. When it does cross into my world, however, we have a problem.
Today’s particular problem is elevator etiquette or lack thereof. To be more specific, I’m referring to the fcuktards people who get on an elevator and (1) are so mad at the world they can’t respond to a greeting, (2) go up or down ONE fcuk’n floor and/or (3) find it necessary to press a button that’s already been engaged.
These probably sound like very trivial issues, but they can be so monumentally irritating at times…
So You’re Mad And You Want The World To Know?
Too bad, because frowning is for suckas and nobody really wants to be in an elevator with one. How’s that saying go? “A smile is like tight underwear – it makes your cheeks go up.” Yeah, it’s corny as hell and has little to do with the point, but you probably chuckled (or at least smirked). And maybe that little laugh didn’t make your day, but I bet if you were frowning before reading it, you’re not frowning anymore. See? Now you have the all-clear to go ride an elevator.
It’s Called Reducing Your Carbon Footprint Dumbass
I remember as a kid I would always hear professionals saying shit like “I’m on my way to the top,” a phrase that mimics professional development since in most companies, the CEO, president and other major executives are on the top floors. Typically, therefore, the more responsibility you’re given, the higher up you go floor-wise.
I’m no executive, but because I have to work very closely with them, I’m one floor below the C-Suite (the floor where the CEO, CFO, COO, etc. have offices). What a life right? WRONG!!! Why? Did you not see the footage from 9-11? Most of the nignags on the lower floors were able to get out the building before it went down…just saying! Seriously though, my floor’s the 2nd longest distance to and from the promised land lobby. And in between those nine floors (I don’t know how people deal with this shit in NY skyscrapers) are a bunch of lazy-ass muh fcukas who get on elevators to ride up or down one floor. I swear that shit is a game they play to fcuk with annoyed people like me! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not referring to the people who have a shitload of stuff to take to another floor. I’m talking about the chocolate-cake-eating muh fcukas who really should be taking that single flight of stairs to burn some calories.
Adults With A.D.D
Attention anyone over the age of three: when the button is lit, that means it has already been pressed. Pressing it again doesn’t speed up the process. Lemme say that again in case you missed it: There’s no need to keep pressing a muh fcuk’n button that’s already lit! What the fcuk is up with that shit anyway? I know everyone is in a rush to get back to facebook work, but have some patience…it’s a fcuk’n virtue. Funny thing is there’s a button that actually closes the door, but people don’t use it.
If you’re guilty of any or all of these elevator faux pas, do everyone in your building a favor and jump out the nearest window. Trust me. You’ll end up on the lobby level faster than the elevator could ever get you there.
Back to work I go…