Alcohol, Alcohol, Alcohol!!!
I love it and hate it in the same breath. Why? Because it’s almost guaranteed to make the person you’re with world appear much friendlier, happier, and better-looking, BUT drink too much and you run the risk of (1) throwing up, (2) feeling like shit the next day, (3) doing shit you’d never do sober, (4) being careless, and the list goes on.
In this post, I’m going to share a few of my experiences of having drinking start off so right and end up so wrong for me…
The Sloppy Drunk
Pretty much anyone who has known me for more than six years is aware of my most memorable drunken story EVER: DC Carnival 2005, the day that deserves a serious SMFH! I won’t ever be able to get rid of the memory because like clockwork, every DC Carnival someone is bound to bring it back up! Even though I’ve never been that fcuk’d up since! I can’t even lie though, the shit was fcuk’n hilarious. Here’s a recap for those that met me since then or don’t know about the incident:
I DJ’d the Wednesday and Thursday night and spent all day on Friday organizing shit for the parade. Friday night I went to Taboo which ended around 6 a.m., leaving me enough time to head home for a two hour nap before hitting the road…at least that was the plan until I discovered that the music truck that was supposed to have been built up Friday night into the wee hours of Saturday morning…wasn’t. So instead of getting to head home, I experienced the joys of maniacally helping put together a music truck in a fraction of the time it usually takes. When that was over, I had just enough time to go home, shower, and come right back to the truck – just in time to pull off and start the music.
Before I started playing music though, I found it necessary to fill my two-pint camel pack with ice-cold Old Oak rum…without any chaser. Because I get hyper-focused on my music when I’m dj’n, however, I barely drank a thing…until my stint was up.
Once the other DJ took over and all the stresses of organizing everything and making sure that folks had a time on the road were behind me, it was time to PARRRRR-DAYYYYYY! I think I finished that camel pack in less than 30 minutes. Ummmm…Did I mention that I hadn’t really eaten or slept since Thursday? Oh, and that it was a million degrees outside? Let’s just say that if you ever need the equation for evolving from functioning alcoholic to drunken zombie in the space of an hour, I’ve got it.
My last memory of that entire day is thinking that it was a brilliant idea to jump off of the truck and go chip on the road a bit. Jumping off of an elevated, moving platform while drunk, however, is like trying to thread a needle with one hand tied behind your back while the new chick in Transformers is tongue fcuk’n the shit out of your ear. Needless to say, I made intimate connection with the road and managed to lose my phone all while laughing hysterically. Some people will insist that I fell off of the truck, but rest assured that it was merely a case of alcohol converting my planned jump into a mess of limbs, destroying my sense of timing, and completely obliterating any semblance of coordination. Other than that, I totally knew what I was doing!
It wasn’t until the next day when I saw the pictures and heard the stories that I was able to understand why my entire body felt like one big bruise. Let’s just say, I never remotely intend to be that drunk again in life. I can look back and laugh now, but that shit was embarrassing (just ask my mother…matter of fact, don’t! I think she’s still mad about that day.)!
The Careless Drunk
My most careless drunken moment, by far, has to be the night I almost got convicted of driving under the influence. Luckily, it doesn’t matter what you’re charged for, only what you’re convicted of. Don’t believe me? Ask Casey Anthony…Just saying!
Anyway, it all started when one of my home girls told me to meet her and some co-workers for drinks one Tuesday night as a going away thing for one of them who was moving out of the country. I was the last one to arrive and like a true dumb ass, I thought it was necessary to catch up to them drinking-wise. As much fun as drinking is, imbibing (SAT word bishes) on a work night like if it’s Friday is pretty stupid. Shit, you’d have thought I was the one moving away the way I was knocking them back.
We shut the club down that night and even though I drank like a baby whale I was surprisingly lucid at the end of the night. I was heading straight home like a good ole drunkard when I got a booty call text. Sometimes when I drink, my inner whore is unleashed and that text turned me into a man on a mission! What better way to end a weeknight of debauchery than with some lady parts?
So somehow, on the way to my new destination I stopped at a traffic light and managed to doze off…and didn’t wake up until some persistent knocking on my window finally irritated me out of my stupor. Concerned driver? Of course not! My special drunk ass managed to fall asleep DIRECTLY in front of a fcuk’n Police precinct (now tell me that’s not some sitcom type shit)! And what’s my first thought staring into the eyes of these seven or eight cops? “I hope this broad is still awake waiting for me”. Don’t judge me…
Of course I had to go through all the field sobriety tests. And I passed them shits like I had a fcuk’n cheat sheet. The funny thing is the officers knew I’d been drinking a lot, but couldn’t prove shit. And as drunk as I was, I still wasn’t stupid enough to incriminate myself, so they were annoyed to say the least. This Reno 911 clip is the best representation of it that I can find…
Of course those bamas charged me anyway…but it didn’t hold in court! Gotta love the legal system. Considering how expensive the habit could be, I avoid drinking and driving like the plague now…unless I don’t have a ride of course, lol!
The Loving Drunk
I honestly have TOO many love drunk stories to count. I’m the king of keeping my feelings to myself…until enough alcohol enters my system, at which point I go into “I got nutten but love for you baby” mode.
If you didn’t know I loved snatch as much as I do, you’d think I was gay as shit if you heard me talking to my boys when I’m drunk because I tend to get very vocal about just how much I appreciate their friendship. The most recent episode was during DC Carnival weekend, but I’ve vowed to keep the play by play to myself because dude’s reaction was pretty fcuk’n gay too. He almost cried at the “sonnet” I recited to him…smh!
And if you’ve ever heard me talking to a chick I’m digging after I’ve had a few drinks in me, you’d swear I was the most romantic thing since
flavored condoms 12 long-stemmed roses. I clearly watch too many romantic comedies though, because the lyrics that come out of my mouth when I’m drunk are priceless! My most recent hiccup involved me dropping the “L” word to a girl I’ve only hung out with a handful of times. Thank sweet baby Jesus she’s a good sport though because she laughed it off as me being drunk and hit me with the “Do you hear yourself right now” (which gave me the opportunity to change my tune to “Nah, I mean I really like you yo.” Pitiful right?! (Please look away as I hang my head in shame). She gave me the play by play the next day and I couldn’t do anything but laugh at my buffoonery.
All in all, whether I became sloppy, careless, or overly affectionate I’ve usually had a great time drinking. And thanks to that one DC Carnival, I’m WAY past the sloppy stage. I’ve been fortunate to not do anything detrimental to anyone’s health/safety/emotions, and in an attempt to keep it that way, I’m currently trying to get past the careless stage too. I’m still all about having too much fun though. I can have fun completely sober or completely trashed, but there’s just something about reliving the stories that result when alcohol is in the mix…lol!
Anyway, enough about me! I wanna laugh at someone else wildness. Feel free to share one of your funny drunken stories…