In the words of most pastors…
“Today I’m moved to preach a sermon about” the time this bish used me for my man meat sex!
So, I have this coworker, right (yeah, I know…I should leave the coworkers alone, but it really wasn’t even like that)! The entire situation unfolded so organically, I didn’t have a chance to realize what was happening.
I met this chick soon after I started with my company four years ago. From the start I honestly thought she was sexy as hell, but I never tried anything! Why? Because (1) I’m actually very shy when it comes to talking to random chicks, (2) the last thing I needed was to catch a sexual harassment case (that orientation video scared the fcuk out of me…lol!) and (3) I heard she was
a snack pack muncher into girls!
For about three and a half years, I probably interacted with her all of three or four times and each of those conversations was solely work-related. Then randomly one day her boss asked her to meet with me to get more information on an idea I’d pitched to her.
We chatted for about 30 minutes on the project and somehow the conversation shifted to shit that had nothing to do with work…and shifted again to her telling me she thought I was gay! For the life of me, I can’t remember how it got to that point, but who gives a fcuk?
After the unfiltered shock and my “WTF” face wore off, I asked how she’d come to that conclusion. You know what this ratchet told me? “When we first met, I thought you were cute! I showed my interest and you never asked me out.” My initial thought was “can you be any more full of yourself,” continued with about 10 different variations of “I can’t believe this muh fcuka thought I was gay.”
So naturally, like any other straight man, I made it a point to let her know that I was very hetero. I expounded it every way I knew how – I’m only into women; I’m a Vaginatarian; I’m a carpet muncher and proud of it, etc. She wasn’t having it: she was still convinced that I was gay. I even told her I had a son and her response to that was “you could be a DL brother.” Anyway, we kept up the conversation electronically and aside from the random gay remarks, it was actually really cool talking to her.
Fast forward a few weeks…
I was heading out of the office for lunch one day and she randomly got on the elevator as it stopped on her floor. On the ride down, I noticed her eye fcuk’n the shit outta me and I swear I almost busted a nut in my dress pants. Ok, not really, but, you get the point! I enjoyed every second of it and she had my undivided attention after that shit! Later on that same day, I think I was heading to CVS to get some gummy bears and the same thing happened: she got on the elevator, eye fcuk’d me, then went on her merry lil way!
Mind you, working on different floors, in completely different departments made the likelihood of us seeing each other slim to none, so to see each other twice in the same day was kinda crazy. That said, can you believe that shit happened AGAIN later that week? At that point in time, I came to the conclusion that God wanted this to happen. Why? Because aside from the obvious, I had to prove to this broad that I wasn’t gay! So like the bad ass that I am, I texted her “Don’t get caught on the elevator by yourself” and I shit you not…the shit happened again! To make matters worse, we rode the elevator alone and my ass was stuck like a deer in headlights. That’s right! I dropped the ball. *Hangs head in shame*
So of course she texted me back after that elevator ride saying something along the lines of “Is that why I shouldn’t have gotten caught on the elevator by myself? lol!” Needless to say, I felt like an ass: talking big, but no action at all. *Hangs head in shame again*
Like I said though, God wanted this to happen because we ran into each other on the elevator yet again THAT SAME DAY! So like the Spartan I think I am, I jacked her ass up against the elevator wall and tongue fcuk’d the shit outta her mouth for one floor. That’s right! She pushed me off when the elevator stopped (one floor down) for someone to hop on. It was a memorable 15 seconds of raging hormones and adrenaline though!
Fast forward a few more weeks…
Every once in a while, we’d keep up the conversation electronically. We even had a few four more elevator/garage/Macy’s encounters (but who’s keeping track), then I stopped seeing her all together. It was actually kinda weird. I won’t even lie, for a week or so, every time I got on the elevator, my corny ass would kinda hope it would stop on her floor so my tongue could re-enact the battle of Midway in her mouth.
Then outta the blue one Saturday evening, she hit me up. I was actually at work wrapping up a project and it appeared that she was bored. After going back and forth for a while she asked what I was doing later and like the wannabe smooth talker that I am, I hit her with a “If you want to hang out with me, that’s all you have to say.” I actually surprised myself with that one, because believe it or not I’m really not a smooth talker at all. Shocking huh? lol! Anyway, we decided to go out after I finished my project.
She met me downtown and we were off to a good night…
We went to dinner at this Thai spot. Dinner was full of great conversation and great food. To top it off, she INSISTED on paying for the meal. As a dude accustomed to handling the bill, I was totally flattered, so, she won HUGE points for that!
Anyway, we headed back to the office to put my leftovers in the fridge (that’s right, lunch for Monday)! We unexpectedly bumped into my boss and it was a lil awkward, but we kept it moving to the second course; drinks.
We walk to this spot to grab a few glasses of wine. Again, great conversation and good alcohol. At this point, the sexual tension is screaming, but the anticipation is fun and I’m thinking to myself “this chick is actually pretty cool and I could see us hanging out more often.”
After I get the tab, we start heading back to the cars and outta nowhere she asks “is your place off limits?” Obviously this wasn’t a hard question for me to answer. Why? Because (1) I’m a reformed man whore who clearly wanted her lady parts and (2) I had to prove to this bird, once and for all, that I wasn’t gay. That’s right, in the back of my head I knew she still had her suspicions on that matter. What better way to clear up that misconception than to give her the piping of her life?
We headed to CVS to pick up some condoms, then to my place to get it on in true Marvin Gay style…
And they’re off! I had a point to prove, so I took my time with that shit. My goal was to make her ass cum so many times she’d need a saline drip to recover from dehydration. I foreplayed (yeah, I turned it into a verb) the fcuk outta this chick. Let’s just say in the essence of proving my point, I decided to be the most philanthropic Andre I could be. I was the epitome of generous to say the least.
I guess I was taking too long for her tastes though because she hit me with “Dre, it’s time for you to fcuk me!” When you read it, it sounds vulgar, but in the moment it was one of the most beautiful word combinations ever crafted. So I did just that! I dicked her down like a porn star. From missionary to her in the air to her flat on her stomach from the back to a few other positions!
I don’t think she was used to mid-distance sex though, because after about 25 minutes or so she says “Dre. Get it.” Of course I laughed it off, because I was just getting started so I let her know that I was taking my time. Five minutes later she goes “Dre, I really need you to get it.” So I replied “No, why?” You know this broad replied “Because I have cotton-mouth.” I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off. When I realized she was serious though, I got in another two or three strokes and got her some water. I didn’t reach my goal of her needing a saline drip, but cotton mouth was a close second. So the score was Her: 4 – Me: 0 – nuts that is. Anyone notice an imbalance here? She headed home. I handled myself, then went to sleep. So the score changed to Her: 4 – Me: 1/2. It’s just not worth an entire point when you have to do it yourself, hence the half…lol!
I knew she had a fair amount of stuff going on, so I didn’t try to push the envelope on hanging out. I kept in touch enough to show I was still interested, but with enough distance to not smother her. I remember asking one day when she was going to let me take her out again and being respectfully brushed off. That was the day I realized I got used for sex! It’s sad to say, but I got got in true text book fashion! To think, I got “smooth talked” into the sex just like I’ve done to so many naive chicks. The worst part about it is that I can’t even say at least I fcuk’d. Well technically I did, but I didn’t finish so it doesn’t count to me. Looking back at it though, I can’t even do anything but laugh at that shit and give her a round of applause! Well done, you selfish dick tease…lol!
So, if you’re reading this (you know who you are), don’t get caught alone in any elevators, the garage, my room, etc! Why? Because I ain’t bitching out this time and my man meat might accidentally fall in your “you know what.” And this time I don’t care if you have a fcuk’n epileptic fit because I’m not stopping until I cross the finish line. Take that, take that! *Diddy voice*